We searched the globe high and low to find the finest funkiest Junkies. A collection of wannabes, hasbeens, shouldabeens and gonnabes! Each new recruit must go through a rigorous testing procedure that we like to call The Pub. Then they are taken to the studio to show off their riffs, licks and beats. Only after the final hurdle of 3am coffee making with a run down to the all night garage for Kit Kats, Frazzles and 20 B&H – do we decide if they can join our exclusive club. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present, The Funky Junkies!
You gotta love this guy. He seems to think he’s a rock star. All because he once played keytar in an 80’s electro combo who were dropped after that unfortunate incident in Bangkok. But we gave him a chance and here’s why. The dude can play. He can really play, man. He showed us how it was done. And anyone who can play late night poker like that just has to be on our side!
Jim is one cool cat, He takes it slow, he loves it fast he’lI have it any which way he can get it! And the dude plays the bongo like no other. You could put him up against an octopus and Mr Jammy would still tuplet-demi-semi-quaver his way through a drum ‘n’ bass tune faster than you could say “It’s in 9/8 you numpty!” He’s a legend in his own time signature … or something like that.
We’ve heard him. “Can I just say how gorgeous you are?” “Will you let me hold you?” “Ooooo … you feel great?” It’s not until he gets them home that the rough stuff starts. The plugs come out, he picks them up …. and forms the chord of E! CLAAAAANGGGGG! Smoke, lights, dry ice … the works. Then his mum calls him down for his tea. Mmmmnnn … nuggets tonight! (Yes – he looks like a she … it’s the lighting.)
The ‘Production Music Guru’ Alf already has the odd TV use under his belt, the income from which has helped sustain a tragic addiction to Monster Munch and fizzy Cola Bottles. Remix work for major labels, scoring commercials and running one of London’s pioneering Deep House labels, making our tea … he’s a busy, busy boy! He clearly has no mates. Except for us … of course!
Ahhh … the Captain. Now what can we say about our breakdancing, bodypopping, foxtrotting wonder?! Well first off we should mention his bedroom studio. One computer, two speakers and a waterbed to impress the laydeeez! Captain Ska likes to dig the crates, sample the plastic, twist the pan pots, hit the faders and bust a move. And we like the results!
This guy eats studio equipment for breakfast. Seriously. One morning we came in and he’d eaten a delay unit. Took him forever to string a sentence together … Coco knows his sonics. We whack him behind the desk just to blow our minds! The bass gets fatter, the drums get punchier … and that’s before he’s even touched a dial! Love it!
Cheeky breaks, bouncin’ bass lines, wakka wakka dj scratching (old skool like … none of that 6 deck madness!) … Jake Breaks is our resident recycler! If it’s useable, it’s nickable! You find him sitting in the corner of the studio with his headphones on as he creates, waits and then wafts the air freshener about!
Mr Hey is our resident raver. He hits the parties that we don’t even find out about until they are over. From Miami to Ibiza to Sydney and beyond … the guy likes to party! His mobile is never off … but he never answers it as he’s always “busy” … normally with the best looking girls of the night … and for that fact alone we salute him. Git.
Marky is our resident vibe merchant. He’s always out and about DJ’ing to the masses and picking up on what the cool crowd are getting groovy to. The geezer is upfront and down with it … big style. Some facts. He’s been on the telly. He doesn’t like sushi. He dresses the coolest out of all of The Funky Junkies. And it’s his turn to make the tea!
The guy knows beats. It’s as simple as that. He knows when to make ’em soft. He knows when to make ’em loud. He spends his evening meticulously sampling and looping them left, right and center. And he also knows when to add a stonking great bass line across the top and get the whole track shuffling like a pack of fresh cards. He is, in effect, Da Beats Man.
Rogering, Dodgering … what other name could we give him!? But within the Junkies cave, we like to call him “The Man Who Brings The Coffee.”! At the studio early 10.30 sharp (give or take 50 minutes) he turns up bearing Maccy D’s Finest Blend for all and a grumpy story on why he’s late. Then a grumpy story on why he has to leave early! He’s our little ray of sunshine! Oh … and he plays a bit of guitar someti … Oi! Roger! This bloody coffee’s white again!??!?!
With a name like that … he’s gotta be cool. Well … never judge a book by it’s cover. Cool isn’t everything. Good Tunes are! We don’t know how he does it but every time this dude walks into the studio the tunes start coming. He grabs a guitar – RIFF. He’s gets on the drums – GROOVE. He’s picks up the bass – FUNK. He’s like a library version of Prince! Actually … we just realised … he’s the coolest Junkie we know!